I’ve been putting off writing this entry not because I didn’t want to, but because I felt that an event so enormous would be difficult if not impossible to capture in words.  Luckily now I have pictures.   

The emotions I felt that day still flitter at the edges of comprehension.  The way I felt that day was as if everything bubbled up from deep inside and foamed over like a shaken bottle of soda.  Like every emotion I’d ever felt was fighting to get out and have a look at what was going on.  I could write pages, volumes even, describing each emotion and how it effected me.  But this isn’t Moby Dick, so I’ll spare you the soppy details and get right to the good stuff.

The weather was beautiful.  The sun was bright and there was a steady, but light, breeze. 

After a shower and a careful shave, I had a light breakfast.  My hands were shaking already, but not enough to stop me from tying a perfect windsor knot on the first try. 

Everyone always asks if you’re nervous.  Either they don’t remember, don’t understand, or just can’t find the right word to describe it.  Nervous is probably the closest you can get, but being nervous implies that you have doubt.  I had no doubt.  I felt the same as I do before testing in taekwondo, or before playing a solo at a concert.  The feeling is a mix of excitement, happiness, fear, and self-consciousness.  Excitement about the fact that we are about to solemnize our love and vow, in the witness of our loved ones, to be together always.  Together to face our greatest fears and share our most beloved treasures.  Happiness for having found each other, and having loving families.  Happiness that we are able to marry, and to have a wedding ceremony and celebration.  Fear, not that we are about to enter into something we don’t want, but that we might not be good enough to receive such a blessing.  Fear in the knowledge that we are human, and will stumble at some point, which triggers the happiness again at knowing that we accept eachother not in spite of our faults, but because of them.  And finally, self-consciousness.  We stand before our family and friends with our souls bared.  Our hearts on display.  Openly presenting for inspection that which would normally be tucked comfortably away from public view.

And that’s the short version.

Moving forward, I was one of the first to arrive at the Inn, with Ziggy and the girls shortly behind me. 

It was right around 9am, and the ceremony was scheduled for 10.  We were told we’d have the room starting at 9, and that it would be set up.  The chairs were arranged, but little else.  I waited for a bit, greeting people as they arrived, and handing out ties to my groomsmen. 

Mary, the woman we spoke to previously who was in charge of getting everything set up, had not arrived yet, so we took it upon ourselves to get the flowers on the mantle, and some of the other staff gave us a helping hand getting everything set up.  The flowers for the mantle ended up being too large, but we were able to tie them to a hook to hold them in place.

After some fuss over flowers and a few photos, we were ready to start.  Everyone took their seats, then Jay (my cousin and best man) and I entered with the Justice of the Peace.  We took our places, and the violinists started playing.  The realization that this was actually happening was surreal.  I felt like I was in a dream.  Nothing felt solid. 

My parents came in first, and stood to the side as the bridal party entered one by one after them.  Kimmie came first, taking her place opposite Jay and I, just behind where Jess was going to be.  Following her was Courtney and Steve.  There was less room than we had expected, so the walk was fairly short, and they separated before my parents, so Steve would not have to walk in front of them as he joined Jay and I.  After them came Laura and Jesse.  My sister joined the other two girls who, in a few minutes, would also be my sisters.  Behind me stood a few of my "brothers".  Though not all of my closest friends were there, some among them who I also consider as close as kin, those who were there were closer still, and those who were not were present in our hearts and minds. 

Jason and I grew up together from as far back as I can remember, and farther.    We spent hours playing both in our homes and in the woods, eventually became fairly skilled woodsmen and craftsmen under our fathers’ guidance.  More recently we share our time in the woods hunting.  When we were younger, there didn’t seem to be many free days that we spent apart.  We were nearly inseparable.  At one point, when we learned about marriage, we made a promise to be eachothers’ best man.  Years later, those oaths were fulfilled.  Though we don’t see each other or talk as often as we once did, life having a way of widening the gap between friends, we are no less close.  I recently heard a quote that went something like "Friendship is not never being apart, it’s coming back is if you never left".  That’s not even close to what it really was, but you get the idea.

Next to him was Steve, who I haven’t known for very long, but who is as close to Jess as I am to Jason.  Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I regret not having met him sooner.  A finer person is hard to find, though I’ve realized lately that I’ve been surrounded by remarkable people my entire life. 

Last in line (and only in the line) stood Jesse.  Jesse and I lived together for 3 of our 4 years at Ithaca as undergrads, and were neighbors the first year.  Without him there, I think I would have tucked into my shell and would have had a very different experience.  Jesse has a way of breaking the ice and making you feel comfortable and at ease.  We shared a lot of good times together in those short 4 years and grew to be as close as brothers (including the teasing).

Then we have the girls.  Kimmie is the middle of the three sisters agewise.  She’s incredibly cool, despite what she’ll tell you.  We have a lot in common given that we both studied math in college and are into computers and other techno-geek type stuff.  She has a similar taste in music, so we’ve been able to share CDs in addition to programming knowledge and algorithms. 

Courtney is Jess’ (and now my) youngest sister.  All of the Shaw girls are incredibly artistic, and Courtney is no exception.  She’s an incredible flautist (or flutist, I’m not sure which is correct), and is teaching herself to play the guitar as well as several piano pieces.  Aside from music, she is a budding amateur photographer, and I expect her photography to start rivaling her uncle’s soon! 

Last, but definitely not least, is my sister.  Laura is an amazing person, always chearful and friendly.  I don’t know how she does it.  Despite the constant torment we put eachother through growing up, I love her dearly.  She lets out as much emotion as I keep bottled inside, which is a fair amount.  She’s always refreshing to be around and can make anyone feel good.  She’s also the kind of person who meets obstacles head on, and plows through and, regardless of the odds against her, almost always comes out ahead. 

I couldn’t help but admire my family, new and old, as they all arrived.  It was difficult to restrain the urge talk to and hug everyone I saw.  Until Jess and her parents came in the room.  Everything else seemed to just blur and fade away.  You could say that was because I was tearing up, but Jess wasn’t blurry.  It was an odd feeling.  So formal and ritualistic, but yet so comfortable and familiar. 

They came to a stop just in front of me, and waited for the musicians to finish.  The entry had been relatively short, and they hadn’t finished the piece yet.  There was a few minutes to compose ourselves while we waited, but I couldn’t look away from her!  She was more beautiful than she’d ever been, which I didn’t think possible.  Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.

We smiled back and forth until the music ended.  The Justice of the Peace then began the ceremony with an old blessing, and then confirmed with our guests that they agreed with our decision to marry.  Then he asked the "who gives this man" and "who gives this woman" questions.  Having finished their parts, we hugged our parents, and they joined the rest of the family.

The ceremony proceeded well.  There were a few teary outbursts, and I fumbled as I almost offered myself as my husband.  There were some changes we had made to the ceremony, but for one reason or another, the changes weren’t included in the one that the Justice performed.  We didn’t care much about that.  The original ceremony was something we had picked already, and had changed a few minor things.  Mostly parts that referred a bit too much to old fashioned gender roles.  Plus we had added an Apache wedding blessing that we really liked.  At some point, I’ll post both the ceremony that was used, and that blessing. 

The ceremony ended with an Irish blessing, a big kiss, and a lot of cheering.  I wanted to pick her up and run, cheering, around the city center.  A surge of emotion threatened my composure, but when I saw Jess was just as flabbergasted, I became as the rock that is our family name, and regained my focus.  I offered her my arm, reminded her to get her bouquet, and led her out to the back room where the girls had prepared.  Once there we shared more hugs and kisses, both with eachother and with the wedding party and immediate family.  Now we were free to let the emotions pour out.  Excitement and happiness being dominant.  I don’t think I stopped smiling for very long that day.

Once we had settled somewhat, we went back out into the lobby and dove in to the congratulations and more hugging.  Then Russ started rounding everyone up for photos.  I wanted to stay and socialize (causing me to be the last one to arrive for photos), but I figured there would be plenty of time for that later and trotted out the door. 

Everyone hung out while we took our group shots, and eventually whittled down to just Jess and I.  We were nearly finished with the pictures when everyone started heading out to Butternut’s for the reception.  Once we finished, we headed out not far behind the rest of our guests.

Since we arrived so early, Tracy met up with us and had us wait outside.  She brought us drinks (and some aspirin to help Jess), and we chatted casually as Rusty took some more fun photos while we waited.  Some of those photos would end up being among our favorites. 

After everyone had a chance to settle in, have a drink or two and jot down some kind words and wishes for us on our wish tree, Tracy lined us up and we entered the banquet area two-by-two.  When it came to Jess and I, Jay gave a quick introduction (something I had forgotten to ask if he would do!  But he didn’t mind, and it made me feel good that he was there).  We entered and wound our way through applauding friends and family up to our head table.  A small table set back from the others that sat in a pool of sunlight.  The settings looked great, and I felt a bit like royalty, which made me uncomfortable at first.  But once we settled in, we had our own place among our families that was separate, but still together.  It felt very comfortable to have everyone there, and felt a bit symbolic as the beginning of a new branch on the family trees.  I felt very…  grown up.  I guess it had to happen some time.

I’m going to end this for now because it’s getting too long, and at this rate, it will be a draft forever!  Suffice it to say: April 19th was a very good day.