Things picked up a bit more last night once Jess got back from her craft night.

She cooked the dinner (Peanut Chicken.  Yum) and cleaned up the dishes while I unloaded the washer.  My plan had been to finish the chores, then take a stroll around the block.  But dinner and a movie sounded good, too.

Anyways, we watched the first hour-long double episode pilot of a show based on a series of books Jess and I had both read.  The show was originally supposed to be named after the first book (Wizard’s First Rule), but we found out it was named The Legend of the Seeker instead. 

This name change was a bit more obvious after we watched the show.  Neither of us were thrilled with the casting, and the plot was very different from the book.  But somehow, after it was over, I found that I enjoyed it and I was anxious for the next episode.

I needed to detach myself from the plot of the books before I could enjoy it.  There were a lot of changes that felt like they were just dumbing the story down, and weren’t really necessary to make it work as a show.

But, either way, it was pretty decent, and I had a pretty decent rest of the night.

I’d like to say I did something special today, but I didn’t.

Since I don’t get the day off, Jess and I sat around and both did work.

I meant to write yesterday, but never got around to it…  Could be the desire to be as far away from my couch and computers as possible when I’m not working…  Unfortunately, that’s where all our entertainment is.

Yesterday was kind of nice, though.  We went up to Pizza Marzzano for dinner with a bunch of the other teachers, then over to Sadyba for a movie.  We saw Burn After Reading, which was fairly comical, though very fragmented and overly graphic (aka too realistic) for the violent scenes. 

Either way, I had a good time.  Pretty much any time I can get out of the house and hang out with people is a good time.

I should probably go out and take out the recycling…  That’ll get me off the couch for a few minutes anyways.

Jess is out doing crafts with a few of the other teachers, which is cool.  I’m glad she’s making some friends and having time to hang out with them.

Unfortunately, I’m finding it difficult to keep from constantly slipping back into melancholy.  I like what I do for a living – websites and all.  And I like the flexibility of it.  But I miss human interaction so much…  And I’m not really making the kind of websites I’d really like to, so I feel a bit limited…  but that’s the difference between a job and a hobby I guess…  Doing what you need to versus what you want to.

So this is my substitute…  Talking to myself in public.  Whether it’s here, or Polish lessons on my bike.  But it is a good motivator to finally do some more writing… unfortunately I’m rarely in the writing mood these days.  I just have an irresistable urge to get my ass off the couch, but as soon as I get up, I go right back because there’s nothing else to do but go on the computer or read a book.  And right now all the books I have are about the holocaust, which doesn’t really raise the happiness meter. 

Anyways, I think I’m gonna put a cap on this mope-fest and go take out the trash…  Fresh air will do me some good.  Course, that means I have to change out of my pajamas…

This morning started out at a good pace.  Jess and I got up, had breakfast, and then were out the door on our way to get our shopping done.  We hopped on the 130 bus, and about an hour later, we arrived at the Blue City mall.  Our main goal was to go to the Decathlon and get some bigger fenders for the bike, and grab a Light for Dale.  But the lights weren’t good, and none of the fenders were what we were looking for.  We did grab some more clips for our pants (to keep them out of the chain and pedals), new brakepads, and Jess got a warm pair of sweatpants for a winter layer.

After that, we went in to the Carrefour nearby.  It’s a pretty sizeable supermarket, kind of like Wal-Mart.  We loaded up on some meat, a few canned goods, bread, and, most importantly, a Brita.  That was one of our main goals, and we almost left the store without it!  But Jess remembered as we were in line, so we ran back out and got one.

Unfortunately, we forgot our backpacks, so we were stuck carrying a few, pretty heavy bags.  We took a break to stop for some lunch at a Sphinx restaurant.  Jess got her usual standby – caprese, and I had a margherita pizza.  It was actually more like a plain cheese pizza, but it was good.  I ate way too much, though. 

On our way out, we stopped in a Coffee Heaven and grabbed a couple of Tiger Chai Lattes.  Very tasty stuff.

We lugged our stuff back to the bus, which was just about to leave.  But we weren’t sure if we were supposed to have drinks, so we stuffed them in our bag and hopped on.  We took a seat near the back and pulled our drinks back out.  The only signs I saw were no alcohol and no smoking.  So I figured we were in the clear – not that we would have stopped if it was prohibited anyways.

After about another hour of being squished in our seats, we arrived back home.  We power-walked back to our apartment (normally an 8 minute walk) so Jess could use the bathroom ("I thought I told you to go before we got on the bus!" ) and unloaded our stuff.

Afterwards, Jess had to get to work.  She’s still at it, and, after she told me her workload, I think it’s ridiculous.  Her one class is actually about 3 or 4 classes worth of work – and little of it is relevant to the class.  Less of that is relevant to her major…  it’s just a "requirement".  Which, in layman’s terms translates to "How the college earns it’s money".  It makes me very sad that even education has become a business…  But that’s something I don’t feel like getting into right now.

So anyways, while she worked I figured I’d get on the computer and work ahead a bit…  That resulted in me doing about an hour of work, and about 2 hours of some solid, spider solitaire.  I’ve been sticking to my idea that you can win, as long as you "play your cards right".  I’m currently on a 15 game winning streak…  But I’m stuck on a pretty tough one.  I keep having to go back and start again.

But anyways…  most of our entertainment resides on the computers, unfortunately…  so when we got sick of staring at the screens we took a stroll out and across the street from our complex to a small cluster of shops.  The cukiernia was closed unfortunately.  I was hoping for a cappuccino and maybe something sweet.  The delikatesy was closed, too.  But the wine shop was open!  So we picked up a bottle of French Bordeaux, which I’m enjoying a glass of right now.

I’m trying to keep to my promise of writing every day, and earlier I started on my kid’s story based on one of our rabbits.  Jess likes it so far, but it’s got a long way to go.  Then there’s the issue of illustration.  I thought of just using photos, but that would be tough and a bit unprofessional.  My artwork is barely passable, and besides, I left all my drawing supplies back in the states.  So we’ll see what happens there, but at least I can get the words down.  We need that first to guide the illustrations, anyway.

I’ve got a few other projects I could be working on, but I just can’t bring myself to do them… I feel like I’m always doing some kind of website stuff, so in my freetime I try to get as far away from it as possible.  But Eric asked me to put together a simple site for Jess’ (his Jess, not mine) webcomic.  I’ve yet to get around to that…  Maybe tonight.  It’s still relatively early, and it should be simple enough to at least start something for it…  We’ll see.  I might just try to crash early, and maybe read a bit.  Just another excuse to push things off a bit longer, I guess.

So, I haven’t really written just a regular old journal entry in a while.  I think it’s because "new and different" has ultimately made it’s way back to normal, and my need to comment on it all has diminished.

But, if I was actually putting to practice some of the advice I’ve received, or more seriously considering the goals I’ve set for myself, I’d be doing this much more often.

For starters, one of my favorite little quips of wisdom was from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.  The whole book was very good, but the part that stands out is the concept that "there are no ordinary moments".  That every breath is something new and different.  Everytime you pass the same spot on your daily commute, it has changed.  It’s our perception that makes it "normal" and mundane.  

Additionally, there is the subject of expectations and happiness…  not something I’m going to get into now, but something I haven’t been paying attention to like I should.

And finally, there are the goals I’d set for myself.  I’m always taking on projects, my own or someone elses, in some kind of attempt to fill the inactive voids in my life.  So, of course I probably set the bar a bit high.  But my main goals were to write more and actually put some of my ideas to paper.  I have multiple stories that are just outlines and one or two line concepts, I have notebooks full of unfinished poems, and I have a few journals that only have my chickenscratch (or heiroglyphics if you ask my friends) on the first few pages.

One of the things I was most proud of in high school was my writing.  In fact, I originally wanted to major in English so I could write, but changed my major out of fear of not getting a job or making enough money.  Which, in retrospect was probably pretty smart, considering the mountain of debt that resulted from college.  The fact that I’ve let that aspect of my self fade has been a cause of anguish for years.  But I told myself I’d be better once I was over here and working from home.  I figured I’d have more time, and more motivation from being in a new place and seeing new things.  But it hasn’t quite happened yet.  I have been better about it, but not good enough.

My other goal was improving and continuing my martial arts study and training.  I’ve hit a bit of a wall here, because I haven’t found a place to train yet, and the language barrier has been intimidating…  though if I was being true to all I’d learned in the martial arts, I wouldn’t let that hold me back.  There was supposed to be some sort of exhibition this weekend, but we forgot about it, and have since missed it. 

In addition to continuing my training, I’d like to try some new styles.  I’d had a taste of a few others in Ithaca, and I’d like to branch out a bit.  Of course, I’d keep my primary focus on taekwondo.  I’ve come too far with that to just stop.  Plus I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself lose it like I did with karate.  So I have been self-training, but it’s not the same…  especially considering I only spend about 1/2 hour each morning.  And that’s usually fairly rushed.

But on the up-side, I might be teaching an informal class once per week, which will help me evaluate and grow myself, also.  And I’ve started adjusting my work schedule to flow around my life much better than I had previously… 

Anyway, this is one attempt at me to make sure I write more.  I’m going to try to make sure to write a little something each day.  Not always a journal entry like this.  Sometimes short stories or poems, or a news-style report on something we’ve seen or done.

With any luck, I’ll finally get around to working on some of my stories…  most of all, I hope to finally start the children’s book Jess and I want to work together on.  It’s based on our rabbit, Smudge, and will be called Smudgie the pudgie bunny (and all the things he ate).  That’s the working title anyways…  So maybe I’ll post some of it here once we finally get our butts in gear.

On Saturday, Jess and I decided to head up to downtown Warsaw and check out the Warsaw Film Festival.  We weren’t sure what to watch, and had looked through a few of the descriptions of the movies playing in the "English Only" theaters.  As we were about to leave, we noticed a few other friends of ours were planning on seeing Autism: The Musical (www.autismthemusical.com).  We hadn’t seen this one, and it interested us, so our decision was made.

We were a bit early, so we bought our tickets, then got some Tiger Chai Latte’s from Coffee Heaven (good stuff).

The Warsaw Film Festival is a large, international event with filmmakers from various countries around the world showcasing their work.  Autism: The Musical was the only movie we ended up watching, though I’m sure there were many other good films there!  It was produced in the U.S., so we didn’t see anything very international, but it was VERY good.

The movie is about a woman, Elaine, who adopted her son, Neal, from Russia.  Over the years, it became apparent that he was not developing as was expected.  She discovered that he was autistic.  Some of the things she said people told her, like "Send him back to Russia" were heartbreaking.  But Elaine has more of a heart than that, and set out to defy society’s preconceptions and hopefully open people’s eyes.

I can say that she opened mine a bit farther.

Not that I’m close minded, but there’s always room to grow, and always things you didn’t know.

Without giving too much away, the movie follows a group of autistic children as they participate in Elaine’s "Miracle Project".  The Miracle Project is essentially a play that the children help write and then perform.  The movie follows their preparation, covering their successes, failures, and struggles.  They also spend a good amount of time on most of the children’s backgrounds.

The underlying theme is that autistic children are not lost cases.  They can accomplish as much as anyone, but they’re not the same as most people.  So rather than to simply not try because it’s too hard, or too strange, these families joined together to prove the world wrong.  They fight the world and themselves every step of the way to overcome what they see as more of a language barrier than a disability.

In the short duration of the movie you really come to know and adore all of the children for who they are, and their own personal quirks…  Lexi who mostly repeats what’s said to her, the over-articulate Wyatt, Henry and his Dinosaur obsession, Adam and his cello (and the girl he likes!) and the Silent Neal, who seems to have ultra sensitive hearing, reminds his mother, and in a way the viewers, to be a better listener.

The movie tugs at your heart, and brings on a few tears and a few more giggles.  It is a sobering experience, sharing both the playful times and the challenges that these families face every day. It reminds us that our most difficult struggles bear the greatest rewards.  Or as Khalil Gibran wrote in The Prophet: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain."

Some days, you need to slow down and appreciate the things around you.  The sights, sounds, smells…  is it weird that all these senses start with "s"?  

I digress.

As I was saying… sometimes you need to slow down.  Take in every moment like the first bite of fine food, the first sip of a hot drink on a cold day, or a morning hug.  You close your eyes and take it all in, letting the sensation be absorbed through every fiber of your being.

But other days, you just gotta crank up the music, cut loose, and dance (or workout… TKD works for me, too).

Today – I’m dancing.

P.S. – I’m not the only one who got a hat

Every once in a while, I step back and take an evaluating look at myself.  Usually this follows a period of intense inactivity.

Usually, I don’t like what I see, but I often just take comfort in the status quo, and play a game, read a book, or do anything else that makes me feel good.

But occasionally I get the inspiration do to something about it, and decide to make some changes.

So I’ll throw on some inspiring music and do some work around the house, work out, go out and get things I’ve been meaning to get, and clean myself up and put on some decent clothes (not necessarily in that order)

Then I can turn back and look on what I’ve done with an approving nod, and for the next few weeks maintain a level of saint-like cleanliness and order in my life as well as maintaining a high-energy level and lots of activity.

Well, today is one of those days.

Cue the music.  I’m on.

Most anyone who knows me knows I have near constant back pain…  But now, suddenly and for no good reason, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with what can only be described as a knot in my upper back.

It’s on my spine, right between the shoulder blades on the spot where my back hinges the most…  I’ve asked a doctor about that spot in the past, and nobody thought there was anything strange about it.  Well, I’m telling you now that there is.

It’s probably the worst kind of pain, back pain.  But add to that not knowing what is causing it, or how to relieve it…  laying down doesn’t help.  Sitting barely helps.  Standing and walking… not much.  It’s almost more frustrating than it is painful.  

All I want to do is lay down, but it feels like I’m tensing all of the muscles in my upper back, and can’t let them go!  I’ve tried pillows and no pillows, laying on hard and on soft.  Nothing works.

So do I go to a doctor and get more muscle relaxers?  ugh.  Not what I want…  Add to this a strange pain in my gut for the past two days as well, and you’ve got yourself a party!  I’m hoping the two are related and will both disappear at the same time…  but I don’t know what to do to cause that!

And I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep or excessive biking, but the palms of my hands are extremely sensitive and feel swolen…

So do I sound like a wreck or what?  And this is, of course, on top of all of my regular pains.  I normally try not to complain about it, but this feels complaint-worthy…  Especially when I can’t seem to find even a momentary relief!

I’ve been putting off writing this entry not because I didn’t want to, but because I felt that an event so enormous would be difficult if not impossible to capture in words.  Luckily now I have pictures.   

The emotions I felt that day still flitter at the edges of comprehension.  The way I felt that day was as if everything bubbled up from deep inside and foamed over like a shaken bottle of soda.  Like every emotion I’d ever felt was fighting to get out and have a look at what was going on.  I could write pages, volumes even, describing each emotion and how it effected me.  But this isn’t Moby Dick, so I’ll spare you the soppy details and get right to the good stuff.

The weather was beautiful.  The sun was bright and there was a steady, but light, breeze. 

After a shower and a careful shave, I had a light breakfast.  My hands were shaking already, but not enough to stop me from tying a perfect windsor knot on the first try. 

Everyone always asks if you’re nervous.  Either they don’t remember, don’t understand, or just can’t find the right word to describe it.  Nervous is probably the closest you can get, but being nervous implies that you have doubt.  I had no doubt.  I felt the same as I do before testing in taekwondo, or before playing a solo at a concert.  The feeling is a mix of excitement, happiness, fear, and self-consciousness.  Excitement about the fact that we are about to solemnize our love and vow, in the witness of our loved ones, to be together always.  Together to face our greatest fears and share our most beloved treasures.  Happiness for having found each other, and having loving families.  Happiness that we are able to marry, and to have a wedding ceremony and celebration.  Fear, not that we are about to enter into something we don’t want, but that we might not be good enough to receive such a blessing.  Fear in the knowledge that we are human, and will stumble at some point, which triggers the happiness again at knowing that we accept eachother not in spite of our faults, but because of them.  And finally, self-consciousness.  We stand before our family and friends with our souls bared.  Our hearts on display.  Openly presenting for inspection that which would normally be tucked comfortably away from public view.

And that’s the short version.

Moving forward, I was one of the first to arrive at the Inn, with Ziggy and the girls shortly behind me. 

It was right around 9am, and the ceremony was scheduled for 10.  We were told we’d have the room starting at 9, and that it would be set up.  The chairs were arranged, but little else.  I waited for a bit, greeting people as they arrived, and handing out ties to my groomsmen. 

Mary, the woman we spoke to previously who was in charge of getting everything set up, had not arrived yet, so we took it upon ourselves to get the flowers on the mantle, and some of the other staff gave us a helping hand getting everything set up.  The flowers for the mantle ended up being too large, but we were able to tie them to a hook to hold them in place.

After some fuss over flowers and a few photos, we were ready to start.  Everyone took their seats, then Jay (my cousin and best man) and I entered with the Justice of the Peace.  We took our places, and the violinists started playing.  The realization that this was actually happening was surreal.  I felt like I was in a dream.  Nothing felt solid. 

My parents came in first, and stood to the side as the bridal party entered one by one after them.  Kimmie came first, taking her place opposite Jay and I, just behind where Jess was going to be.  Following her was Courtney and Steve.  There was less room than we had expected, so the walk was fairly short, and they separated before my parents, so Steve would not have to walk in front of them as he joined Jay and I.  After them came Laura and Jesse.  My sister joined the other two girls who, in a few minutes, would also be my sisters.  Behind me stood a few of my "brothers".  Though not all of my closest friends were there, some among them who I also consider as close as kin, those who were there were closer still, and those who were not were present in our hearts and minds. 

Jason and I grew up together from as far back as I can remember, and farther.    We spent hours playing both in our homes and in the woods, eventually became fairly skilled woodsmen and craftsmen under our fathers’ guidance.  More recently we share our time in the woods hunting.  When we were younger, there didn’t seem to be many free days that we spent apart.  We were nearly inseparable.  At one point, when we learned about marriage, we made a promise to be eachothers’ best man.  Years later, those oaths were fulfilled.  Though we don’t see each other or talk as often as we once did, life having a way of widening the gap between friends, we are no less close.  I recently heard a quote that went something like "Friendship is not never being apart, it’s coming back is if you never left".  That’s not even close to what it really was, but you get the idea.

Next to him was Steve, who I haven’t known for very long, but who is as close to Jess as I am to Jason.  Now that I’ve gotten to know him, I regret not having met him sooner.  A finer person is hard to find, though I’ve realized lately that I’ve been surrounded by remarkable people my entire life. 

Last in line (and only in the line) stood Jesse.  Jesse and I lived together for 3 of our 4 years at Ithaca as undergrads, and were neighbors the first year.  Without him there, I think I would have tucked into my shell and would have had a very different experience.  Jesse has a way of breaking the ice and making you feel comfortable and at ease.  We shared a lot of good times together in those short 4 years and grew to be as close as brothers (including the teasing).

Then we have the girls.  Kimmie is the middle of the three sisters agewise.  She’s incredibly cool, despite what she’ll tell you.  We have a lot in common given that we both studied math in college and are into computers and other techno-geek type stuff.  She has a similar taste in music, so we’ve been able to share CDs in addition to programming knowledge and algorithms. 

Courtney is Jess’ (and now my) youngest sister.  All of the Shaw girls are incredibly artistic, and Courtney is no exception.  She’s an incredible flautist (or flutist, I’m not sure which is correct), and is teaching herself to play the guitar as well as several piano pieces.  Aside from music, she is a budding amateur photographer, and I expect her photography to start rivaling her uncle’s soon! 

Last, but definitely not least, is my sister.  Laura is an amazing person, always chearful and friendly.  I don’t know how she does it.  Despite the constant torment we put eachother through growing up, I love her dearly.  She lets out as much emotion as I keep bottled inside, which is a fair amount.  She’s always refreshing to be around and can make anyone feel good.  She’s also the kind of person who meets obstacles head on, and plows through and, regardless of the odds against her, almost always comes out ahead. 

I couldn’t help but admire my family, new and old, as they all arrived.  It was difficult to restrain the urge talk to and hug everyone I saw.  Until Jess and her parents came in the room.  Everything else seemed to just blur and fade away.  You could say that was because I was tearing up, but Jess wasn’t blurry.  It was an odd feeling.  So formal and ritualistic, but yet so comfortable and familiar. 

They came to a stop just in front of me, and waited for the musicians to finish.  The entry had been relatively short, and they hadn’t finished the piece yet.  There was a few minutes to compose ourselves while we waited, but I couldn’t look away from her!  She was more beautiful than she’d ever been, which I didn’t think possible.  Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.

We smiled back and forth until the music ended.  The Justice of the Peace then began the ceremony with an old blessing, and then confirmed with our guests that they agreed with our decision to marry.  Then he asked the "who gives this man" and "who gives this woman" questions.  Having finished their parts, we hugged our parents, and they joined the rest of the family.

The ceremony proceeded well.  There were a few teary outbursts, and I fumbled as I almost offered myself as my husband.  There were some changes we had made to the ceremony, but for one reason or another, the changes weren’t included in the one that the Justice performed.  We didn’t care much about that.  The original ceremony was something we had picked already, and had changed a few minor things.  Mostly parts that referred a bit too much to old fashioned gender roles.  Plus we had added an Apache wedding blessing that we really liked.  At some point, I’ll post both the ceremony that was used, and that blessing. 

The ceremony ended with an Irish blessing, a big kiss, and a lot of cheering.  I wanted to pick her up and run, cheering, around the city center.  A surge of emotion threatened my composure, but when I saw Jess was just as flabbergasted, I became as the rock that is our family name, and regained my focus.  I offered her my arm, reminded her to get her bouquet, and led her out to the back room where the girls had prepared.  Once there we shared more hugs and kisses, both with eachother and with the wedding party and immediate family.  Now we were free to let the emotions pour out.  Excitement and happiness being dominant.  I don’t think I stopped smiling for very long that day.

Once we had settled somewhat, we went back out into the lobby and dove in to the congratulations and more hugging.  Then Russ started rounding everyone up for photos.  I wanted to stay and socialize (causing me to be the last one to arrive for photos), but I figured there would be plenty of time for that later and trotted out the door. 

Everyone hung out while we took our group shots, and eventually whittled down to just Jess and I.  We were nearly finished with the pictures when everyone started heading out to Butternut’s for the reception.  Once we finished, we headed out not far behind the rest of our guests.

Since we arrived so early, Tracy met up with us and had us wait outside.  She brought us drinks (and some aspirin to help Jess), and we chatted casually as Rusty took some more fun photos while we waited.  Some of those photos would end up being among our favorites. 

After everyone had a chance to settle in, have a drink or two and jot down some kind words and wishes for us on our wish tree, Tracy lined us up and we entered the banquet area two-by-two.  When it came to Jess and I, Jay gave a quick introduction (something I had forgotten to ask if he would do!  But he didn’t mind, and it made me feel good that he was there).  We entered and wound our way through applauding friends and family up to our head table.  A small table set back from the others that sat in a pool of sunlight.  The settings looked great, and I felt a bit like royalty, which made me uncomfortable at first.  But once we settled in, we had our own place among our families that was separate, but still together.  It felt very comfortable to have everyone there, and felt a bit symbolic as the beginning of a new branch on the family trees.  I felt very…  grown up.  I guess it had to happen some time.

I’m going to end this for now because it’s getting too long, and at this rate, it will be a draft forever!  Suffice it to say: April 19th was a very good day.

It’s not at all uncommon for me to spot a hawk perched proudly in a tree alongside the highway, or purposefully soaring over the median in search of small prey. 

Yesterday, while driving along Route 8 in Connecticut on the way to Jess’ parents house, I thought I saw just that.  But after a second look I realized that it was actually a Bald Eagle!  I have never had the opportunity to spot one of these rare birds outside of a zoo or magazine.  So naturally I was excited.  So excited, in fact, that I smacked my head on the doorframe of my car as I quickly craned my neck so that I could continue to watch as the eagle flew perpendicularly across the highway. 

For some people, this wouldn’t be anything to get worked up over, either because they’ve seen many an eagle, or maybe they just don’t care.  But I get excited everytime I see a hawk common to the area, so you could imagine the adrenaline working when I saw something entirely new.  Besides, I try to really take in every experience, even if it is "the same", it’s technically never the same. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a camera more powerful than the one built in to my cell phone, and so we didn’t stop and try to capture a photo of the bird.  But it makes me regret times like that when I don’t divert my course of action to enjoy a spontaneous moment.  This time I was also without camera, but that’s no reason not to indulge!  Of course, that also means I don’t have any pictures to share, save the ones I can paint with words.

Either way, it was very cool.